We have all had that heartbreaking goodbye to a loved one, a friend, family member or even a pet. It stings like hell at first but somehow you come to peace with the event and slowly start to heal yourself with time. But what about the goodbye’s that we never come to peace with? What about the goodbye that you never got to say? The one with no closure.
I have known for over six years that I will always love my ex, no matter how many times I try to move on, no matter how many people I start to build relationships with, he is the relationship I will compare the others to. No, it’s not fair to everyone else but when you are with someone for that long it becomes normal. People have always told me “you can do better, you deserve better” but honestly there is no point in saying I deserve better, everyone should be defined as equal no matter what they do or do not deserve.
Knowing him for over six years allowed me to be myself, my true self, the self I should be in every relationship but I know I can’t because I wear my heart on my sleeve. Its not a bad thing at all, it allows you to be real with that person, but I can’t be real knowing I love someone else. This past year has taught me a lot about myself that I may not truly recognize or want to believe but do. I was dumped for being “too nice”, I was taken advantage of, I was told I was beautiful but not in the sense you want to be told, the sense of “I only date beautiful women”, and I met a few hot & cold guys (refer to Katy Perry’s Hot N Cold song).
So why can’t I get closure? To be honest what is closure? Is it closing the door on the relationship, is it blocking every memory and moving on. People have tried to explain how it comes in many shapes and sizes, it depends on how close you were with that person, how much they influenced your life. Whether or not you got to say goodbye, for me this is something I never got to do, but if I did it probably wouldn’t make a difference after all it is never goodbye but see you soon.
Along with the trail of hot n cold relationships, there was the nice guy that I never gave the time of day to, the one who would message me to see how I’m doing, make sure I was okay after my trail of failed attempts at relationships. This guy knew what he wanted, “me” however I could never give it to him, he knew what he wanted in life, he wanted a committed relationship. A relationship built on love and trust and a girl he could one day bring home to his mom. I am not ready for that, I am not ready to meet the parents after 3 months, or bring myself to terms with being tied down yet.
Maybe there is no “good” in goodbye, but at least this goodbye could set me free.